On NFL Boulevard, We’re The ‘Third Rock’ Family

Okay, admit it. We’re not like other families living on NFL Boulevard. Our house is the one painted a really weird color. Our yard isn’t quaffed like other houses down the block. Oh yeah, there’s those freaky 2 a.m. noises coming from rooms upstairs. And we can’t forget the creepy uncle who’s coming and going at all hours.

It doesn’t make us bad people. We’re just different. As much as we’re the Bungles, we’re more like the Bundys in shoulder pads. Or the Munsters in cups (minus the hot, blonde niece chick in the C-cup). But we’re probably most like the Third Rock family ... but still can’t tote the rock.

Yep, on NFL Boulevard we’re definitely The Odd Family. But does that mean each year we have to be the odd ones out? No doubt Baltimore had a rockin’ block party last week at the expense of the entire Bengals OL. Damn. The Ravens didn’t even wait until afterwards—they ‘cleaned up’ during the game. But what does it all mean? Can the little boys in stripes regain their manhood Sunday? I’m not sure, but here are 5 reasons to jump off the bandwagon ... and 5 reasons to stay onboard.

5 reason to stay:

1. Often times Game 1 of the Regular Season is actually just Preseason Game 5. Remember a few years back when the Bills started 2-0, including trouncing New England 31-0? Bills fans were scurrying for Super Bowl tix. Buffalo barely won another game that year. The NFL is littered with similar Game 1 and Game 2 faux winner and faux loser stories. Game 1 rarely means anything. So stick with them.

2. The team’s major weakness Sunday (and throughout the Preseason) was obviously the OL. If they’d all taken pregnancy tests after the game, half would see that scary blue line. But unlike the D, who’s sucked for years, the OL has a recent history of actually producing, so this bad spell is merely a fluke. So stick with them.

3. Flat out, no NFL team can be as bad as what the Bengals showed Sunday. While they may not be a Super Bowl contended yet, they’re not a bluebird troop, either. I’d almost  rather see them get pummeled like last week than lose legitimately to the Ravens. If they’d lost 42-38, I’d be worried. At least we can possibly write this off as a fluke. So stick with them.

4. The D showed signs of improvement, if not life. Sure, they gave up 909 yards rushing, but it should have been worse considering they were on the field for nearly 12 hours. But at least they seemed to be in the right places at the right times, most of the time. Still too many missed tackles ... but all in all, not a bad performance. A lot of reasons to be encouraged. So stick with them.

5. I’ve said it from day one, all things equal (like healthy bones and hammys), Chris Perry is a better RB than Rudi Johnson. Perry can do far more things, e.g., go between the tackles, run outside ... and catch the ball. Rudi was never the same since coming to camp slimmer. Yes, he was leaner but by no means meaner. He was sadly ineffective being the scat-back Barry Sanders type (less was less, not more). Potentially, if healthy, Perry can be the next closest thing to a Brian Westbrook type. If Perry succeeds, so will the Bengals. So stick with them.

5 reasons to jump off:

1. There’s just too little room for error. We all know this team cannot go 1-3 and expect to make a playoff run (even at 2-2 they’ll be barely hanging on life-support). Because the ‘degree of difficulty’ in the schedule, Game 2 is now essentially a make or break game. Yeeks. Look, Marvin Lewis is no big-game coach. And if it gets as bad as, heaven forbid, 0-4 ... oh crap ... the wheels not only come off, the whole thing crashes before going over a cliff. At O’fer, things probably get so ugly Lewis exits stage left ... early. Hey coach Zimmer, how do you feel about Game 5? So jump off.

2. As mentioned above, Sunday is probably Marvin’s biggest game ever. And he’s not a big-game coach. If you were picking NFL coaches to win That One Big Game, Lewis is probably down where his defenses always rank—near the bottom. The gap between where they are now and where they have to be by Sunday just seems Too Big for Lewis. So jump off.

 3. Carson Palmer is one big hit away from getting Dancy Feet—the QB death nail. Palmer likes his Saab-like protection—a safe and quiet ride in the pocket. And for the most part the OL has delivered those features. But as the NFL’s newest crash test dummy, Palmer is just a nose bleed away from being more focused on pass rushers than his no-practice WRs. Palmer is not the Palmer of old. So jump off.

4. Chad “Whatever The Hell His New Friggin Stupid Name Is” Johnson won’t have a good year. That’s bad. Between the shoulder and time wasted in the off-season filing name-change papers with attorneys, doing commercials and trashing Lewis, Brown and teammates (and oh yeah, limping around on a leg than any player who cared about his team would have gotten surgery on), 2008 will most likely be a Busto for Ocho. This team can’t win without a solid No. 1 WR.  So jump off.

5. The harsh reality is, this team just isn’t prepared for the season. These days, Football is a year-round sport, and the team’s supposedly most potent weapon, the Palmer-Johnson- Houshmandzadeh connection, is broken because they’ve had no time together. Today’s passing game is all about timing, like a Fred Astaire-Ginger Rogers routine, requiringthe intricacy of a fine-tuned Swish watch. Right now the Palmer-Johnson- Houshmandzadeh connection has all the coordination and timing of a bad “lipstick” joke. So jump off.

I don’t pretend to know the outcome of Sunday’s game ... but if Lewis isn’t preparing like it’s a Super Bowl, then he’d better update the ol’ resume. Hey, I hear Al Bundy’s store needs a shoe salesmen.