This is just brilliant satire from our friend Mo Egger's blog over at The Homer. You'll see it was posted a couple of days ago due to the fact that he refers to Brad St. Louis as a current Bengal, but I'll parenthetically repair that. With Mo's permission I lovingly repost this piece that gave me more than one belly laugh yesterday when I read it. Hit the jump to read one of the best things I've read in a while.
-This week, and for a while until the team falters, the number of Bengals bandwagon fans you'll see will increase. I like bandwagon fans. The more people that want to talk about my favorite team, watch games, tailgate, the better. To an extent, we're all bandwagon fans. Your interest in a team or sport ebbs and flows depending on the success of whom your rooting for.
So if you're a bandwagon fan, new to the 2009 Bengals, welcome. We're glad to have you and we hope you're here for a while, though we know we're just a loss or two away from seeing you leave our lives for a while. Let's enjoy the time we do have. Let's go through a couple of things....
First, let's get rid of that "2005 AFC North Champions" shirt. You need some new gear. That shirt isn't gonna help you blend in. It's been four years, and besides, a team from the Bengals' division won the title that year. Keep it as a keepsake if you must, but don't wear it.
Same for the lame "Two Johnsons and one big Willie" shirt you bought about four years ago. There's a Johnson still on the team, his name is Brandon. Rudi's gone, his effectiveness slipping probably around the time you checked out, sometime late in 2006, injured in '07, cut before last year. He's looking for a job. Chad is still here, but he doesn't go by "Johnson" anymore. He's "OchoCinco" now. And Willie's gone too, blown out before last season. Bobbie Williams, who was actually here when you last wore the orange and black, is the wise-old one on the offensive line.
Actually a lot of players you loved when you were last a fan are gone. Justin Smith has moved on. So has Landon Johnson, Levi Jones, Chris Perry, Madieu Williams, and Eric Steinbach, just to name a few.
Carson is still the quarterback, though he's just now rounding back into form after missing most of last year, when you were wondering why people still went to games and figuring out ways to scalp some Colts tickets.
Remember how much fun you had saying "Houshmandzadeh?" Yeah well, he's not here either. The fun name to say is "Maualuga." (MAH-WUH-LOO-GA)
The crazy hair guy is Domata Peko. Defensive line. Where John Thornton used to play. Shayne Graham is still on the team. He hangs out at 2009's place for the pretentious, Bootsy's. Speaking of Bootsy's, he's so 2005. Crack Sauce is the new Bootsy.
Oh yeah, and speaking of pretentious, Paul Brown Stadium still has luxury suites, football domain of the pretentious and bandwagon jumpers alike. I'm sure if you find your way to PBS, you'll be bee-lining the suites. Give the other a-holes my best. Ask how many people had to be laid off the retain it and how many of their company's lower-salaried workers get to enjoy it.
Also, when you last left us, our men were running up quite the arrest tally. Most of those fellows involved aren't here anymore. Odell Thurman has moved on the something called the UFL (I'd explain that concept, but your head would explode). What may surprise you is that Chris Henry is still here, and believe it or not, acting every bit the model citizen.
Marvin Lewis is still the coach. Mike Brown is still the owner. You won't understand why most of us still can't stand him despite the team's record. Perhaps you do your shopping in Butler County.
Let's see, who else might you be looking for? David Pollack? Neck injury forced him to retire. Sam Adams? Biggest free agent bust in team history, though he was possibly a worse owner than nose tackle. Owned a team called the Jungle Kats that played Arena Football. Actually, he might've been a worse owner than Mike Brown. Torry James is gone too. Replaced by Leon Hall. He and Jonathan Joseph are forming quite the duo in the defensive backfield. Cedric Benson is the new Rudi, wearing number 32. He's doing quite well. However, screams of "Ceeeed" are not repalcing "Ruuuuudi." Just yell "go!" when he carries it. There's also this newcomer named Andre Caldwell...he's been money late in games, caught the game-winning TD passes against both Baltimore and Pittsburgh, which since you might have been rooting for the Steelers at the time, is probably something you remember.
Brad St. Louis is now the object of our frustration. He's the long snapper. (Note from Craig, here's the reference to St. Louis I wrote about earlier. When this was posted two whole days ago he was still a Bengal.) Actually he was the long snapper when you were last with us, but you didn't know who he was because no one knows who the long snapper is if he's good, which he is not. You'll hear some grumbling about a guy named Andre Smith too. He was the Bengals' first round pick this year. He weighs as much as your Prius.
Anyway, welcome back to the bandwagon. It's great to have you. Throw on your new Bengals t-shirt (iron out the folds) or your Maualuga jersey and settle in for the season. At least until they lose two in a row.