“The Bengals don’t want to see Pittsburgh in there … they know if we get into the playoffs we’re a dangerous team.”
Because Woodley’s comments have created a firestorm in Cincinnati and around the NFL, we wanted to take a deeper look at the linebacker’s motivations, so teams of college interns were deployed to research the player and his life.
Shockingly, it was learned Woodley suffers from Neurogastrodelusionalphrenia, an often deadly disease brought on by a rare, mutant artery connecting the colon and brain. "LaMarr has the worst case of Neurogastrodelusionalphrenia I've seen since Al Frankin," says Woodley's doctor.
“Basically, in layman’s terms, we call it Sh_t-For-Brains Disease but don’t quote me on that,” said Dr. Donald Donnelstool, a renowned Pittsburgh expert on the city’s rising cases of Neurogastrodelusionalphrenia.
Donnelstool’s other Neurogastrodelusionalphrenia patients include Hines Ward, Tiger Woods and NFL Network’s Rich Eisen.
It’s estimated only 0.0000005 percent worldwide are born with Neurogastrodelusionalphrenia, but strangely nearly 20 percent of people spelling their names LaMarr have it, as well as 50 percent of those living in and around the city of Pittsburgh.
“Yeah, LaMarr’s Neurogastrodelusionalphrenia used to pop up a lot as a kid,” said Woodley’s mother, Bertha Woodley.
“He’d say the local pee wee football champions were afraid to play his team. The champions were good, always went 10-0. LaMarr’s team was mostly 0-10 and never scored any points. And they lost to girls, too,” she added.
An eight-year-old Woodley once said of his Fighing Ducklings pee wee team, “Everybody knows we’re dangerous, once we get into the playoffs no matter how we played this season.” That year the Fighting Ducklings were 0-10, even losing 45-0 to the team’s little cheerleaders.
Woodley’s girlfriend MazzyMay Murdock has seen the player’s condition worsen over the years. “It goes way beyond LaMarr thinking other people are afraid of him and the Steelers,” Murdock admitted. “He’s now crapping his pants in public. It’s so bad that I’m smoking again.”
While to date no Hollywood stars are representing the Neurogastrodelusionalphrenia cause, reportedly The Jackson 4 are under consideration.