The Monday Touchdown: Who Dat Trumps Who Dey Edition

CINCINNATI OH - DECEMBER 05: Chris Ivory #29 of the New Orleans Saints runs for a touchdown during the NFL game against the Cincinnati Bengals at Paul Brown Stadium on December 5 2010 in Cincinnati Ohio. The Saints won 34-30. (Photo by Andy Lyons/Getty Images)

I think that maybe I stepped into the wrong phone booth (since there really aren't phone booths anymore I guess any one would be the wrong one) and a trench coat wearing George Carlin who called himself Rufus took me on a not-so-excellent adventure back to 1990's Bengals Nation. Not only is the football bad, but I'm already tired of everybody screaming WHAAZZZUP in my face. I guess I'll just sit back, turn on a new American Gladiators episode on my very non-HD TV and work on inventing Google. If I'm going to get stuck here, I might as well get rich.

Anyway, here's the seven things I know this week.... Man this dial-up is so slow.

Thing I know one: When it comes to the Bengals, Murphy's Law definitely applies

If you're not familiar with Murphy's Law, it states that anything that can go wrong, will go wrong. If you're not familiar with the Bengals season so far, A) you're lucky and B) Murphy's Law makes more sense than ever. Unfortunately for the team and the fans, the absolute worst things that can happen, happen at the absolute worst times. Pat Sims' unfortunate neutral zone infraction penalty is just Exhibit A in a long list of evidence that Murphy, whoever he was, was obviously some sort of genius of Einstein levels.

Thing I know two: The Internet is awesome

I watched the entire game from the comfort of my home on a computer that was hooked to a TV. Obviously this was before my time-travel adventure.

Thing I know three: The young defensive players are making an impression

Carlos Dunlap had another impressive showing with his second multi-sack game in back-to-back weeks. He raised his total to 4.5 sacks on the season and leads the Bengals in getting the quarterback to the ground. Fellow rookie Geno Atkins also did his part in pressuring the quarterback from the interior defensive line. He had his third half sack of the season. These guys are the future of the Bengals defense and so far I'm fairly impressed.

Thing I know four: Bernard Scott showed up

Scott ran for six less yards than Cedric Benson did with less than half the carries. He finished with six caries for 43 yards against the Saints. He also added a couple nice kick returns including his last one in which he set the Bengals up at the 50-yard line with 22 seconds left. It didn't work out (see Thing I know one) but at least Scott gave the offense a chance. If the Bengals don't sign Benson after the season ends, could Scott be the new feature back?

Think I know five: The big play is a killer

The Saints 10 longest plays added up to equal 270 yards. The Bengals 10 longest plays added up to equal 197. The saints had five plays that were longer than the Bengals longest play. Two of those plays resulted in a Saints touchdown. I know that the Bengals have a banged up defense, especially in the secondary but three 50-yard or greater plays? Come on.

Thing I know six: Cam Newton is not the best answer

I understand that having a quarterback with Newton's play making ability and his rare athleticism can neutralize defenses, especially if the pass protection is lacking. Defenses would be a little hesitant to rush a passer who could easily burn them with his legs. However, drafting Newton from Auburn this season would effectively say "we give up on trying to fix our offensive line problems. We're going to take the easy way out." Good teams are built from the trenches out. If the Bengals want to be a good team, they'll draft linemen on both sides of the ball and then the skill positions come next. Sometimes the right thing isn't the easiest thing.

One more thing I know: I hope this phone booth takes me home soon

In other words, I hope our trip back to Terrible Football Land is just a season long excursion and no longer. I don't want to be in the 90's for any longer than I have to be. It would be nice for Rufus to bring me back to the second decade of the 2000's where the Bengals could and should be good again. I hope I don't have to beat Death in a game Battleship to get there. I hate that game.

This post was not brought to you by Bill and Ted's Excellent Adventure or Bill and Ted's Bogus Journey.

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