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Football to me is more than a hobby, it is a religion. But about this time of year I get fired up. Not fired up in a good way, but my crack gets a bit chapped. Not because of the sport, but because of some of the fans. I went to the Bengals Eagles pre season game on Friday(Where the f were you?) and was once again reminded about my football fan pet peeves.
Let me start by confessing that one of my pet peeves is pet peeves. It is like man up! Nothing says I am a total sissyneck more than whining about some insignificant bothersome trait. Nevermind that they spend their entire paycheck to go to the game, but some fan behavior really irks me. My therapist thought it would be soothing for me to write about it in no particular order. All these things grind my gears equally, but different.
Grown men wearing jerseys: I know I am in the minority on this one, but...You are a grown man. You have made some good decisions in your life. I suspect you are a productive citizen. Why the hell are you idolizing a child who has done nothing in society other than run, jump, block and tackle? He is no better than you, just different. Sure he'll make in 4 years what will take you 25 years to make, but so what. He puts his panties on one leg at a time just like you. And god forbid if you have reproduced, what kind of example are you setting for your children? You are telling them "Look at that guy, he is better than me. Your dad idolizes 24 year old men in tight pants." Have some pride.
The use of the term "WE": "We won!", "We played well", "We need to get a backup quarterback". We didn't do shit! They did. Just because you root for a team doesn't make you part of the team. Unless you cash checks from YOUR team, its not YOUR team. It is THEIR team. Don't say WE. The team represents your city, but you are a fan only. Not part of the team. Just a fan. Subtle, but something you need to learn.
Face painters: I am with Elain on this one. I don't get this...
Wearing an irrelevant jersey: What is the deal? You wake up in the morning and you are getting ready to go to the Bengals v. Steelers game. You can't find anyting orange and/or black. Rather than do the responsible thing and just throw on a Hudy delight T shirt or your favorite band you dig out your Peyton Manning jersey. "I'm going to a football game, its the NFL so I should wear an NFL jersey...right?" Wrong! If I could I would confiscate your jersey, your tickets and your next paycheck for deficating on America's game.
Fantasy Football guy: Brandon Stokely catches a miracle out of mid air. The only guy in the stadium wearing orange and black who isn't on suicide watch smirks and says,"I started Stokely this week on my fantasy team." Seriously? You invest $80 in a ticket and drink another $100 of beer hoping your home town team can pull off a victory and you are ok with losing because you get those all important fantasy points that are sure to win you dozens in cash and prizes in December? Fantasy football is fun. I play. But at the same time it is for nerds. It is like an acceptable version of dungeons and dragons. Please don't put it on a pedestal above the actual real game.
Fan of random team: "I've always been a Cowboys fan!" Oh yeah? Why? Was it because you were born in Dallas? How about Texas? Did you go to school there? By some off chance did you play for the Cowboys in some alternate universe? If the answer to these questions are no than I can only surmise that you like the Cowboys because they were winning a bunch of Superbowls when you were growing up and you had no sense of community to stick with your home town team. Is that fair? You probably cheer for the Yankees and the Lakers too.
Super Coach: What about the guy in the stands who thinks out of the 60,000 screaming fans Marvin Lewis is going to listen to him and run the hook and lateral? Easy Super Coach. While all of us in section 156 are confident that your game plan is second to none it has been a long time, maybe never, since a fan was pulled out of the seats and coached his beloved team to the Superbowl. Might you suspect that after watching 40 hours of film this week the coaching staff might be better prepared for the game than you? What did you do to get ready? Other than paint your face and put on an old Howie Long jersey? Oh yeah...you played cornhole in the parking lot while drinking warm Pabst Blue Ribbon.
Let me know what grinds your gears. Take pics of guys wearing random jerseys or facepainters. Send to firstname.lastname@example.org