Prepare ship for ludicrous speed!

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=EuFAFPjbdy4


This famous scene from Spaceballs is not actual footage of the post 80's Bengals, nor was a dramatic reenactment since it was filmed in 1987.  However, one could view this scene as reminiscent of the Cincinnati Bengals franchise - and to be more specific, the Bengals within the last few months.  I've always been a loyal Bengals fan and don't anticpate ever not being one, but this is what I feel like I'm going through and it is beginning to reach ludicrous proportions. 

Normal Speed:  TOcho show.  Could we have really been surprised by this?  We've got Chad Johnson Ochocinco "football player formerly and potentially again known as Johnson" coupled with Terrell Owens.  They preceeded this culminating show with a summer full of reality shows, which finally led to validation that we are still officially the joke of the NFL.  But, everyone already knew that, right?  So, at this point, we're still coasting at regular speed.

Light Speed:  The press conference.  After suffering arguably the most dissapointing season in the history of this franchise, Mike Brown needs to do something to restore the fans' confidence and convince us things are going to change and we'll improve.  He starts by rehiring Marvin Lewis.  Okay, good (in some of our opinions), but this doesn't actually change anything.  The important aspect was the assertion that Mike Brown gave into Marvin's demands for improvement.  Even if he didn't give into any demands, he could have rejuvenated many of us by claiming there would be change.  Instead, he shows us why we see or hear very little of him by acting like the bitter, stubborn, old man we all perceive him as.  No contrition on his part.  No admittance of failure.  No promise of change or improvement.  And if that wasn't enough, he attempts to defend his frugal scouting joke department with excuses regarding the misfortune of shortchanged careers he drafted (now do you understand, Mike, why other teams pass up on these highly touted players with "charecter concerns"?) and providing the most assinine stat, "ranked 10th in the number of games played by the players the Bengals drafted..."  Really, Mike?  This is the best statistic you could pull out of your rear?  What's worse is I believe he actually subscribes to it.  I'm beginning to see stars fly around me at this point.

Ridiculous Speed:  Marvin Lewis versus Chad.  I've never really had many issues with Marvin and always viewed him as a level-headed guy, but what the Hell is going on here?  Is this part of his new contract?  Have the Bengals adapted WWF advertising tactics by promulgating verbal disputes between the head coach and the star reciever, using the most childish and vindictive tones possible?  I'm waiting for Palmer to break into a press conference with a folding chair and instigate a royal rumble between the three of them.  I don't even kinow what to tell my non-Bengal friends who ask me about this.  It's hard enough validating the fact that we rehired a coach with a 60-67-1 record and coming off a 4-12 season.  Is Marvin intentionally making a mockery of this team by catering to Chad's prima donna games?  I'm feeling my brains begin to seep int my feet.

Ludicrous Speed:  The Bengals demanding $43M of more Hamilton County tax dollars.  It's hard to believe Mike Brown convinced the taxpayers (including non-Bengal fans) to fork over more than $400M for PBS, which would facilitate more ticket sales and revenue for him.  It's even harder to believe he has the apparent audacity to ask for $43M more dollars.  What takes the cake though is his lawyer's justification:

"The Bengals are not a team that goes for the high end for much of anything," said Stuart Dornette, an attorney for the Bengals. "It's not as if they're interested in throwing around money."

At first glance, this statement might not jump out at anyone - and might even make sense.  But when you really think about it, this could perhaps be the dumbest, illogical, and ironic statement to ever come from the Bengals organization.  They start off by asserting what we have always believed and criticized them for being - which is cheap.  Unbelievably, they would use this as a reason for us to give them more money.  This, IMO, is the equivalent of some cheapass scumbag, who rarely ever takes his girlfriend out, doesn't like to spend money on her, steals food from her place, and then turns around to ask her for money so he can upgrade his car under the premise that it will facilitate better dates for her - and that the money he saves by not giving her a good time has been dedicated to his car so she can rest assured, he'll be efficient with her money.  I'm beginning to see plaid.