Editors Note: This has to be one of the greatest FanPosts of all-time, and that's largely because of the Star Wars reference. Not only has your managing editor for CJ watched each movie countless times, he's read mostly every book published. The obsession is there. So it's no surprise that we promote this.
Millions of people like Star Wars. Some local people like the Bengals. What do you get when you put them together? You realize that your favorite Bengals are actually Star Wars characters masquerading as Bengals. It may seem improbable, but when you see the similarities, you realize it’s true; strange, but true. Who would have thought that those people flying around in their X-Wing fighters and dancing with Ewoks would end up here on earth and become members of the Cincinnati Bengals?
Through countless hours of top secret research combined with using decoder rings from Fruity Pebbles cereal boxes, the underpaid scientists at the Ephram Institue have discerned the true identity of some of the present Bengals and have come to learn that they were actually born a long, long time ago in a galaxy far, far away. Through underhanded dealings with unnamed Cincy Jungle operatives, these findings are being leaked to the good folks at Cincy Jungle for an exclusive first run of this breaking story.
Here are the revelations that the scientists have discovered. Please feel free to share any additional findings that may have been leaked. The public deserves to learn the truth.
Cedric Benson: Stormtrooper
“Aren’t you a little short for a stormtrooper?”
Ced is not very flashy, and is not a very special RB like Barry Sanders. In fact, he’s a lackluster 3.5 ypc runner. But just like the stormtroopers, he just keeps coming and coming and coming.
Andy Dalton: Millennium Falcon
“He may not look like much kid, but he’s got it where it counts.”
He may not look like your cannon armed, 6’5” prototypical QB drafted #1 overall....but he shows good competence for a rookie and already has a good grasp of their offensive system and has the intangibles to win football games.
Andre Smith: Jabba the Hutt
“Jabba, I was on my way to pay you...”
It was more noticeable when he was first drafted, and went by the codename of Sir Moobs. But now he has finally decided to get into shape after 2 years of just sitting around collecting a paycheck....just like how Jabba would just sit around and eat all day.
Marvin Lewis: Gonk (the Power Droid)
Has a career losing record, but keeps his job. He doesn’t really seem to have a productive purpose on the team, but continues to survive. Similarly, the Power Droid makes appearances throughout the movies but serves no real purpose.
Kevin Huber / Mike Nugent: R2-D2 (astromech droids)
“R2 where are you? We need you at the terminal right away!”
Like R2, the kickers are not always considered when one thinks of the main contributors of the team, but R2 saves the “hero’s” butts many times, and Nugent & Huber are often called upon to save the Bengals by nailing long FG’s and kicking well placed punts.
Rey Maualuga: Wampa
Just the image of wampa knocking Luke off his high horse (tauntaun) in the snow reminds one of Maualuga knocking an opposing RB onto his arse.
Taylor Mays: Boba Fett
“He’s no good to me dead”
Boba Fett had some sweet armor and some very cool weapons...but doesn’t really use them in the movies...and then he dies. Taylor Mays has some sweet measurable (size, speed, strength) but in the city of Saint Francis he didn’t really use them much and then got traded for a womp rat testicle (7th round pick). Hopefully Mays gets more meaningful field time than Boba Fett got on the movie screen.
Brandon Tate: Mace Windu
Mace Windu was never part of the script, but an afterthought. He was added after Samuel Jackson made a comment about liking Star Wars, and then given the part. Similarly, Tate was never part of the Bengals’ plans until the Pats let him loose on cut-down day. He was instantly picked up and given the part of return man in Cincinnati.
Brian Leonard / Reggie Nelson: C3-P0
“3-P0, shut off all the garbage mashers on the detention level!”
One man’s trash is another man’s treasure. They were discarded by St Louis & Jacksonville, given to us for practically nothing. But they have been quite useful for us. Similarly, C3-P0 was built from scrap parts but proves to be useful to Luke and the rebels.
Nate Livings: Porkins
“I’m going in, cover me Porkins”
Both are heavier guys who are ineffective in what they were supposed to do for their teams.
Chase Coffman: Death Star
“Look at the size of that thing!”
The Death Star seems like an impressive weapon, and destroyed an entire planet. But when attacked by the rebel fighters, it wasn’t used right, and just got blown up. Coffman seems like a nice weapon, and tore it up in college, but just doesn’t seem to be used right by the Bengals.
Domata Peko: Chewbacca
That connection was easy, as the hair gave him away.
Mike Brown: Anakin Skywalker
Such a sweet kid in the prequels, and then becomes a major obstacle to the rebels winning. From all reports, Mike Brown is a wonderful human being and likes to give players with a bad past a second chance, but at times (especially in the 1990’s) he was a major obstacle to the team winning via his terrible drafts and management.
Paul Brown: The Republic
Ahh, the good old days....back when the Bengals were regularly relevant on the national sports scene. Before the dark side took over and ruined the galaxy.
Katie Brown: Princess Leia
Katie’s granddaddy started the Bengals. Leia’s daddy started the Rebellion. Katie has never played football, but is masquerading as a GM, placing herself in a position of strategic command of the Bengals. Leia is not a soldier, yet places herself in a position of strategic command for the Rebellion.
Bengals Scouting Dept: Competent Stormtroopers
“These aren’t the droids we’re looking for”
They just don’t exist.
Clark Harris: Max Rebo
Who? Exactly. He’s on the team, and he’s in the movie. Really, he is.
Adam Jones: the Hyperdrive on the Millennium Falcon
Just like the hyperdrive, he is always broken.
The additional names listed below are not current Bengals, but are additional matches that were discovered a the Ephram Institute, and which are also being leaked here on Cincy Jungle for this first run exclusive story.
Jordan Palmer : Salacious B. Crumb
Kind of a useless character who really had no purpose. Was only there because he was Jabba’s side kick. Fortunately he was killed off rather quickly, in the scene when Jabba dies. Jordan never really had any purpose on the team except that he was Carson’s brother. Once Carson left, it was only a matter of time before Jordan was let go.
Chad Eight Fifths: Jar Jar Binks
“Egads! Whasa meesa sayin?”
This was one of the easiest connections made. He’s an annoying diva who is more of a nuisance than anything else, and doesn’t really add much to the team/movie at this point.
KiJana Carter: Younglings (young Jedi children)
KiJana showed such promise in college. The Bengals moved up to draft him. And then he got injured in the preseason, and his career was essentially killed. Similarly, the younglings show such promise to become great jedi warriors, but then Anakin Skywalker invades the jedi temple and kills them all.
Bratkowski: 2nd Death Star
“That blast came from the death star. That things operational!”
The Death Star was a very 1 dimensional weapon. Not very creative, and certainly not adaptable to repel the undermanned rebel attack. The complaints about Bratkowski were similar...his play calling was too predictable, his plays were not very creative, and he couldn’t adapt at halftime to adjust to what opponents were doing against him.
Carson Palmer: Han Solo
“Screw you guys, I’m going home.”
Both were talented and good at looking after #1.
Roger Goddell: Emperor Papiltine
“Everything is proceeding as I have foreseen it”
His power is far and wide, and he can even impose college suspensions on current NFL players and coaches (just ask T Pryor or J Tressel). He ruthlessly prevents Bengals fans from watching the home games on television because they can’t afford $65 for a ‘cheap seat’ during an economic recession. I don’t know if he shoots lightning out of his hands, but he does impose fines at lightning speed on any player or coach who doesn’t wear proper “NFL licensed” apparel at games, who celebrates a touchdown, or makes a tackle on anybody that is harder than a ‘love pat’.
Tim Tebow: Wicket (the Ewok)
Many people loved the ewoks, but some people found them too sickening sweet to take. Regardless, many people loved them, but they really didn’t do much tactically to defeat the Empire. In Tebow, many people love him, but some find him too “goody”, to “Christian”, or too “hyped” to take. Regardless, many people love him, but he really hasn’t done much in the NFL.
CincyJungle: Mos Eisley Bar
“Most Eisley spaceport. You will never find a more wretched hive of scum and villainy. We must be cautious.”
A random collection of people from all ages, locations, and walks of life. And they all have 1 thing in common...they like to talk about the Bengals.