Dear Marvin Lewis,
I fucking hate you. I hate you more than Hines Ward and Kimo von Oelhoffen.
I hate you more than the Lacy Petersen family hates Scott. In the words of Wes Mantooth: "I hate you, Ron Burgundy. I hate you." To quote Ray Liotta in Observe and Report "I hate you! I hate you so much, you fucking faggot!!"
Not only do I blame you for your inability to manage a clock, call timeouts in time of need, motivate/prepare a team to start playing before the 3rd quarter and be successful, but I hate you for your inability to be a head coach.
I understand you supposedly can’t control personnel decisions such as the letting go of Jonathan Joseph and Justin Smith, drafting Andre Smith instead of B.J. Raji (all of which are pro bowlers this year) or press for a gm and/or indoor practice facility like a decent coach who got his contract renewed would do.
I hate the way you giggle in press conferences.
I hate the way you take the blame every week with your tag line "we just need to get better" yet do NOTHING to ensure this happens.
I hate the fact that you allowed Brandon Tate to terrify us all as he scrambles for a -4 yard gain every single game of the year with zero substitutions.
I hate the fact that you fail to realize that Jermaine Gresham is the largest individual god ever created yet fail to get him the ball.
I hate the fact that you choose big games to play the Cedric Benson headgame instead of simply “pounding the rock” as you, our owner, and ced promised us upon resigning at the start of this year.
I hate the fact that you call time out right before halftime only after running the clock the play before, but then realize you’re an idiot so you call a time out, then get Andy Dalton smashed to watch momentum change as we head to the locker room.
I hate the fact that you continue to throw screen and dump passes to Cedric Benson when everyone knows he's not a receiver, yet then run Bernard Scott up the middle as if he's a powerback.
I hate the fact that we lost the ability to successfully utilize Brian Leonard.
I hate the fact that you won't be able to successfully manage our surprise of the year Andrew Hawkins once Jordan Shipley comes back and instead of getting rid of sorry ass Andre Caldwell and demoting Jerome Simpson, you will let mIKE bROWN talk you out of keeping Hawkins.
I hate the fact that you claim to be a defensive-minded coach yet a real coach Mike Zimmer doesn’t even talk to you.
I hate the fact that you defer every single coin-toss you win. (supposedly to gain some kind of wind advantage that has NEVER paid off)
I hate the fact that instead of focusing on important things such as clock management, player personnel, booth reviews, (did I mention) CLOCK MANAGEMENT, team moral, you worry about sideline control. You can’t control anything or anybody, so you choose your battle as that of the signature “get back” coach. (Those of us who coach football know what this is; it is the syndrome of a coach who is getting the living shit kicked out of him and instead of making good coaching decisions chooses to implode and fires off at internal sources such as coaches, players, managers, and waterboys telling them to GET BACK from the sideline for risk of a sideline penalty.)
A meaningless penalty that might as well be chalked up to great challenges or lack there of as we’ve seen all year.
You actually challenged a 2nd and INCHES!!!
I thought my television was on the blink as I often do when I marvel at mARVIN’s decisions. Then you challenge a bobbled catch 5 min later.. WHY? Perhaps you could challenge a play that would actually swing momentum, or show you cared about the game, or knew something about football. I know when I scream from my couch I've been begging for that red flag all year long...
Are you that nervous that aside from questioning Andy Dalton’s calm demeanor and poise you have to prove that you can ruin the game single-handedly as you usually do?
Where was this challenge during the 1st quarter fumble, or last week when Manny Lawson’s elbow was supposedly in the endzone which would have been the biggest play of what some fans called an insignificant game. To me, not only is no game is insignificant, but every Sunday (playoffs seed or not) is an opportunity for your team to prove to themselves that there are no questions.
As we hunker down for another dormant 6 months and celebrate 20 years of playoff virginity I pray to sweet baby jesus that one day, just one day, mARVIN will be on a cross town bus as George Carlin spontaneously combusts as he had wished for his final exit.
Alas, our fearless master has another glorious year on mARVIN’s contract, so when Mike Zimmer and the not-brilliant Gruden leave I can’t flipping WAIT for next year. Good talk russ!
“I thought our players played extremely hard; extremely, extremely hard,” Lewis said. “I’m disappointed I didn’t put them in the right positions to win the football game. It’s my job to get them in the right spots and help them through the critical points of the game to give us an opportunity to win. That’s the thing I was disappointed in. It’s my job to put them in those situations and I didn’t get it done.”
-Marvin Lewis, December 12, 2011
-Fear and Loathing in Los Angeles