Pittsburgh Steelers wide receiver Hines Ward announced his retirement on Tuesday, calling it quits on a 14-year career in which he broke several franchise records in virtually every major receiver category. Ward, a former Super Bowl MVP, is only one of two receivers in NFL history to post over 1,000 receptions and win multiple Super Bowls (Jerry Rice).
The biggest shame in this is the fact Keith Rivers won't have an opportunity to kindly pay Hines Ward back after the receiver's crack-back block that broke Rivers' jaw during his rookie season in 2008. So we'll pretend how a conversation would go down after Wards' retirement as the two encounter each other at the grocery store soon after.
Hines Ward: Hello, Keith.
Keith Rivers: Hines, sorry to hear you're retiring. You know, I never really got to pay you back for that unbelievably illegal blind side hit that broke my damned jaw.
Ward: I like marshmallows. They're really soft... Oh, hello Keith.
Rivers: You already said hello.
Ward: I did? Hum. I recall. Marshmallows are really good with Graham Crackers.
Rivers: I see why you smile all the time. It's because you're batshit crazy. Still, I would have loved to have been able to knock that crazy smile right off your stupid face.
Ward: Oh and you have to include Hershey's Chocolate Bars. Those make it so good. Sometimes the Chocolate melts, then you get a little extra treat licking it off your fingers. I like licking chocolate off my fingers... Oh, hey Keith.
Rivers: Now, you're starting to creep me out. I'm having mixed feelings between running away from you or seriously injuring you so you can't make anybody feel as uncomfortable as I do right now ever again.
Ward: Oh, hey. Do you know how to start a fire, Keith? I think we should have a campfire, Keith. What do you think, Keith? Would you like to have a campfire, making s'mores... YES, that's what they're called... s'mores on a campfire in the woods?
(Keith Rivers quietly walks away)