The time of the annual NFL draft is upon us, when football fans justify spending all day watching something that doesn’t even involve anybody playing football. It’s the time of year when a fan will sit and watch teams take forever to make a few picks, and listen to countless hours of prospect analysis which pretty much matches the analysis that has been dished out all winter.
Any of you with girlfriends or wives may be aware that they find it odd that one would willingly spend hours watching people in suits announce names of other people who have just been drafted. But what they likely find even more odd are the various phrases and terminology that the ‘experts’ like Mayock, Keiper, Casserly, et al use in describing the prospects. It’s not every day you hear a fellow human being praised for “having a motor” or “sand in his pants”.
The phrases, what they mean, and what your wife or girlfriend may think they mean...
He has a low/high ceiling
You: He doesn’t have much upside, or has a chance to be a star if he works hard and progresses
Wife/GF: What does his house have to do with it? If his ceiling is too low, he should just move!
He has character issues
You: He’s often getting in trouble off the field.
Wife/GF: So what, he thinks he’s Spiderman or something? Maybe he’s one of those Comic-Con guys who dresses up like he’s Space Ghost or Samantha Carter or Bobba Fett or KaDargo or a Borg?
He’s very fluid
You: He’s got great balance/agility and moves effortlessly
Wife/GF: So what? He’s made out of water or something? Or maybe he leaks a lot?
He’s got a good motor
You: He plays to the end of the play and works hard on the field
Wife/GF: What’s he doing w/a motor, and how does his car help him play football?
He operates well in a phone booth
You: He’s good at blocking in an enclosed space, 1-on-1
Wife/GF: Um, so he can dial #’s in a phone booth well? I didn’t think they even had phone booths anymore? What’s that have to do w/football?
He plays high
You: He doesn’t get low and use leverage often enough.
Wife/GF: He smokes weed when he plays? So that means the Bengals are going to draft him him?
He’s a project
You: He has the athleticism but still needs to refine his skills to be productive
Wife/GF: You means he’s from the projects? Who cares if he’s poor?
He has red flags all around him
You: Bust alert. He’s got some potential but some serious detriments that could make him a bad pick.
Wife/GF: Did he play capture the flag? Maybe he’s from China?
He’s a SAM/MIKE/WILL backer
You: It’s the kind of linebacker position that he plays
Wife/GF: Huh? So he’s a supporter of Sam, Mike or Will in the upcoming election? Not a Mitt or Obama backer?
He’s got sand in his pants
You: He doesn’t get pushed off the line easily
He’s stiff in the hips
You: He has trouble changing directions and covering receivers.
Wife/GF: So he’s not a good dancer?
He’s a three technique defender, or he’s a five technique defender
You: Based on his size/speed/etc... it’s where he plays best on the D-Line
Wife/GF: Isn’t 5 better than 3? So why do they want a guy who only has 3 techniques?
When the experts describe the prospects, here are a few others common gems that I forgot initially when I posted...
You: he’s good when he’s unblocked
Wife/GF: he doesn’t like oxygen. He drives a gas-guzzling truck that pollutes the air.
You: makes great cuts when running w/the ball
Wife/GF: he breaks people’s ankles when he tackles them. sounds mean.
You: He fumbles
Wife/GF: people steal his footballs
You: he’s got talent, but doesn’t always play hard. The type of player who can get his coach fired.
Wife/GF: he killed a previous coach
You: hits like a truck rolling downhill
Wife/GF: Is he a skier? I thought you were watching a football draft?
You: QB who flees the pocket too quickly when pressured
Wife/GF: Ooh, let’s go see the movie. I like penguins
On an island
You: Great 1-on-1 cornerback
Wife/GF: Oh, was he on Survivor?
Tampa 2 'Backer/Corner
You: speedy MLB or good zone corner
You: all football all the type, hardnose player.
Wife/GF: Like fishing? He’s a player you don’t want your team to draft, so you throw him back? Like when the Bengals drafted Akili Simth?
You: Too big for an OLB but too small for a DE
Wife/GF: sounds like an insult
You: Good player taken later in the draft
Wife/GF: So he came with fries and a soft drink?
You: Excels in non-football related athletic tests but doesn’t play well on the field