I was reflecting on the Bengals relatively inactive off-season and started daydreaming about what insights might have been gleaned f the controversial Austrian psychoanalyst were alive and given an all-day pass to the cold, austere corridors of Mike Brown's brain.
Here's a figurative transcript of what might have occurred:
Sigmund: Zo, Herr Braun, is no activity zo far dis off-season?
MB: Well, I'm afraid, Sig. You know the last few times I opened up my pursestrings in free agency I got burned.
Sigmund: Ack, life is about taking chances, ya know. Who is it who burned you?
MB: Antonio Bryant, Leveraneous Coles, Antwan Odom, Travelle Wharton, Jason Allen. Every time we've spent some coin on a big-name free agent it's gone awry. That's why I'm not going to take any more chances in free agency.
Sigmund: Michael, I'd say you're stuck in the anal-retentive phase. Vas your mamma perhaps a little overprotective of you when you vas a Junge?
MB: Not really, I had free reign of the house once I turned 11. You know last year we signed several cast-offs from other teams and off the street. It cost us next to nothing and they turned out to be good players. Newman and Crocker had great seasons for us, Lawson was productive when we signed him. Why change an approach that's worked? If it ain't broke, don't fix it, Sig!
Sigmund: Ah, so. You're afraid of change. Kind of like ven you vas young and dey took you'r pacifier away? But you know, Michael, you can't always look to ze past to predict ze future. It don't work that way.
MB: I'll do what I want. It's my team. We've been competitive now for several years, even made it to the playoffs two years in a row. We've got a young team that'll continue to get better.
Sigmund: So you're content to rest on your laurels! But your competitors are constantly evolving and improving. Vat if your Bengals get left behind?
MB: We've been drafting really good since I let Marvin and the coaches have more input. We'll continue to build through the draft like all the best teams in the league do.
Sigmund: Hmm, but if dat so, vy haf ze Broncos, Patriots and Seahawks been ackviring talent wit free agency? And vy does you give zo much money to bad players like Mauluga und Geathers instead of akviring a besser player at der position?
MB: It's a question of loyalty, Sig. Rey and Robert may not be the best at their positions but they're leaders and they both try hard. We reward loyal players who try hard. One of the reasons players come to this organization is because of this job security. They know we won't let them go in the middle of a contract and we'll reward them for trying hard and being loyal employees.
Sigmund: Ach du meine Gute! I tink I understand now. You reward the same kvailities dat you see in yourself. Never quite measured up to your Pappa's achievements, did you? Zo, "trying hard" becomes ze gold standard to live up to. "Try hard", "be competitive" dez are ze trademarks of a man who haf lived his entire life in ze shadow of his Vater. You are rationalizing you're failure to lif up to your Vater's standards.
MB: That's enough! You're fired! By gosh, the next psychotherapist I hire had better not criticize me or this organization. Security!