Star Wars And The Cincinnati Bengals

Stephen Dunn

A long time ago, in a galaxy far, far away.....

It's the offseason, so why not?

If you know anything about the guys who pour their time and effort into this website, you know that while the Bengals are No. 1 in our our hearts more often than not, Star Wars is a close second. It's a story that we all know and we're all fond of. Its the classic underdog story of a small rebel force taking on a massive and oppressive empire. What's not to love?

Since the Bengals are No. 1 and Star Wars is No. 2, why not combine the two to make a Super No. 1?

Seems genius, right?

So here's who some of the more popular Bengals players would be if they were suddenly zapped into the Star Wars universe.

Andy Dalton is Luke Skywalker:


Dalton is that young hero brought out of a desert planet (Texas and Tatooine) to eventually lead the rebel alliance against the empire. The force is strong with Dalton and while he may not have as strong of an arm as his predecessor, he has the ability to bring the Emperor to its knees in the end.

A.J. Green is Han Solo:


While Dalton becomes the face of the rebel force, he's nothing without his right hand man, A.J. Green. Green has the speed to make the Kessel Run in less than 12 parsecs and he always shows up when it counts. In the end, Luke would struggle to make a dent in the Emperor's plan without Solo.

Margus Hunt is Chewbacca:


I know Hunt hasn't even made it on the field, but if there is one player that would be massive, covered in brown fur and speaks a different language (Hunt speaks Estonian along with English), it's Hunt. His last name literally translates to Wolf. Of course, Chewbacca was a major character in the Star Wars universe (though he didn't get a damn medal), and Hunt is a rookie, but I think he'll be contributing soon.

Katie Blackburn is Princess Leia:


This may be a stretch, but bear with me. Blackburn, like Leia, is the daughter of a former tyrant who showed his good side much like Darth Vader and Mike Brown have. Vader helped Luke in the end while Brown has made some very good decisions over the last few years that have helped the Bengals. Plus, who else are we going to pick?

Andrew Whitworth is Obi-Wan Kenobi


Who better to mentor the young Bengals to glory than the team's aging leader. Whitworth is one of the Bengals' biggest leaders on the team and as the offensive line's left tackle, he's directly responsible for Dalton's (Skywalker's) success. Hopefully in our version, he doesn't get struck down in the first act.

Mike Brown is Darth Vader:


Vader, much like Brown, plunged the universe into a dark period after helping the emperor defeat the Jedi. Brown was largely responsible for the Bengals' lost decade of the '90s. However, like Vader's switch from the dark side to the good side of the force, Brown has made some great decisions that have helped the Bengals over the last few years. They've gone to the playoffs three of the last four years, and we owe Brown a big thanks for some of their success.

John Harbaugh/Mike Tomlin are Emperor Palpatine:


Both Harbaugh and Tomlin lead the two largest opposing forces to the Bengals' direct success, the Ravens and Steelers. Palpatine was the supreme commander of the empire's forces and we can just go ahead and say the Steelers' and Ravens' rosters are full of storm troopers.

James Harrison is Lando Calrissian:


Harrison, like Calrissian, went from hurting Dalton's cause to helping. Calrissian betrayed his good buddy Han Solo, making him a bad guy, just as Harrison was a "bad guy" as a member of the Steelers. However, both Calrissian and Harrison changed their tune as Lando helped the rebels save Solo just as Harrison signed with the Bengals to help go after the Steelers.

Andrew Hawkins is R2-D2:


This pint-sized hero bails the Bengals out more often than anyone really knows just as R2-D2 rescues Luke and his friends over and over again behind the scenes. Hawkins isn't going to get as much press as Green, but he's an important part of the Bengals offense just as R2-D2 is to the rebel alliance.

Rey Maualuga is C3PO:


While he's a major character, he's often in the way more often than he helps. Sure, both Maualuga and C3PO were occasionally in the right place at the right time, but more often than not, in the heat of battle, they helped make more of a mess of things than they did help the good guys win. Of course, Maualuga never tells Hawkins he knows better than to trust a strange computer.

Andre Smith is Jabba The Hut:


I know, I know. Smith is in better shape now than he used to be, but we have to poke a little fun at the guy's weight if there's going to be a Jabba reference, right? In the end, Jabba was a bad guy and Smith is a good guy and I doubt Smith wants to put Blackburn in a steel bikini, but we have to make the occasional fat joke.

Taylor Mays is Boba Fett:


Here's the deal. When Mays was traded and brought to the Bengals, so many thought he was going to completely change the team's secondary. Of course, it hasn't worked out that way. Boba Fett is one of the most popular characters in the Star Wars universe, but when he's given his opportunity to shine, he falls into the damn Sarlacc Pitt without much of a fight.

Marvin Lewis is Yoda:


If there's a supreme leader of the Bengals on the field, it's Marvin Lewis, just as Yoda is the leader of the Jedi. Lewis has been able to pull the Bengals out of the '90s and make them a team others couldn't look past anymore. He made them a contender. Also the coach speak he's famous for using during press conferences is similar to Yoda's style sometimes.

"Comment on the injury, I will not."

Who would you pick to play the Star Wars characters from the Bengals? Also, since I refused to count the crap that George Lucas pushed out in Episode 1 through Episode 3, feel free to tell me who you think Jar Jar and all those stupid characters are in the comments.

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