FanPost

Ephram’s ROCK draft (More Rock! Less Mock!)

The period between the Super Bowl and the NFL draft is one of the 2 long, dead times in the NFL.

The other being the period between the draft and training camp.

We get Senior Bowls, and the Combine, and Pro Days, and endless banter about how much sand in his pants Greg Robinson or Zach Martin have.

And we get to watch other teams sign free agents for a few weeks.

But let’s not kid ourselves...it’s a long, dead time.

And so we fill it. With mock drafts.

But as some point, enough mocks are enough.

Ultimately the mind can only take so many mock drafts.

We can only endure so many mocks giving us the same positions and people over and over, with slight variations.

And this year we have been even more inundated with mock drafts.

The NFL has subjected us to even more time between the Super Bowl and the draft.

So with that in mind, it’s time for a break from the endless mocks.

No more Roby, no more Verrett, no more Hyde, no more Mettenberger or Swanson.

It’s time for More Rock, and Less Mock!

*

1 Houston: Beatles

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This is a pretty easy choice for Houston.

Arguably the best, most influential, most popular band in rock music history.

Something of a diva attitude (thinking they are "bigger than Jesus")

2 St Louis: MetallicA

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Over the last decade or two, there have been two St Louis teams.

The good one: the "greatest show on turf" with Kurt Warner, Marshal Faulk, Isaac Bruce and Torrey Holt.

And the bad one: Marc Bulger and Sam Bradford trying to replace Warner, and win games.

Metallica is a perfect fit for the bi-polar Rams, as there is the good "old" Metallica (everything before the ‘black’ album) and the bad "recent" Metallica.

3 J’ville: Black Sabbath

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The Jags lost their longtime RB, have no QB, and could be without their top WR for all of 2014.

They need weapons.

Lucky for them Black Sabbath sings about War Pigs, and the heavily armed Iron Man

4 Cleveland: Rolling Stones

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The ‘Stones are one of the best known rock bands of all time.

Cleveland has the Rock & Roll Hall of Fame.

It’s a perfect fit.

Plus, as any Browns fan can tell you... they can’t get no satisfaction.

5 Oakland: AC/DC

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The band boasts of being on a "highway to hell"

And looking at how the Raiders draft, it’s clear they are vigorously trying to take their team to hell in a hand basket.

6 Atlanta: Lynyrd Skynyrd

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A Southern man don’t need Neil Young anyhow.

And a southern team like the Falcons taps into their southern roots with the selection of Skynyrd.

Now the Free Bird can do the Dirty Bird.

7 Tampa Bay: Led Zeppelin

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As America’s home of senior citizens, the Buccs draft one of the oldest bands left on the board.

8 Minnesota: Nirvana

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While not as well-known as the Seattle-scene, the Land of Lakes produced their own abundance of alternative rock bands.

At #8 they pick up the top alternative rock band.

9 Buffalo: Aerosmith

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Something of a local selection with Steven Tyler hailing from Yonkers.

Word is Buffalo needs a tight end, and Areosmith’s studio produced sound is tight.

10 Detroit: KISS

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Kind of a reach for the band who dresses in something that seems to be a mix of B-movie sci-fi outfits, or really horrible looking pajamas.

But the pick was made to invigorate the dying, but once industrious "Detroit Rock City".

11 Tennessee: Kid Rock

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Something of a reach at #11 overall.

But the Titans were desperate to draft one who can provide something of a country music sound at times.

Bringing death metal to the home of country music would not have satiated the fans.

Kid Rock transitions between rap, rock, and southern, which allows him to fit into Nashville’s scene.

12 NY Giants: Ramones

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Another local selection, the Giants draft the giants of 3-chord punk rock music.

13 St Louis: Doors

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The Rams take something of a BPA pick here.

The melodic 60’s band offers something of a counter to their earlier pick of Metallica’s thrash metal.

14 Chicago: Smashing Pumpkins

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Chicago natives Smashing Pumpkins are drafted by their hometown team.

Even though the Pumpkins’ lead singer may think he’s a Zero, the Bears are hoping to end their streak of Zero post-season appearances.

15 Pittsburgh: U2

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If the Steelers don’t find some youth to replace their aging lineup of Ben, Miller, Troy, etc... each week could be a Sunday, Bloody Sunday for them.

16 Dallas: Slipknot

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The talking heads grumble that it’s a reach.

But they like things bigger in Texas – just look at the mega stadium Jerry Jones built.

Slipknot is one of the biggest rock bands with up to a dozen folks on stage banging away at drums and screaming lyrics.

17 Baltimore: Jimi Hendrix

After over-paying for Joe Flacco, the Ravens can’t afford to pay a whole band.

So they pay for the guy who can play solo just as well as in a band setting.

And the best part is, they don’t need to pay anybody to play the national anthem before the games.

18 NY Jets: The Who

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Who’s the Jets’ QB? Geno? Ouch!

Who’s the Jets’ WR? Oh, they don’t have any.

Who’s the Jets’ best offensive weapon? Oh, they don’t have one.

There is a common thread with the Jets, which the Who fill nicely.

19 Miami: Soundgarden

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Soundgarden’s big hit was Outshined.

Which is appropriate for the team who is routinely outshined for local interest by LeBron and the Miami Heat, by the beaches & babes, and by the sun itself.

20 Arizona: Foo Fighters

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For the uninitiated, Foo Fighters are UFO’s spotted by WWII allied aircraft.

Arizona is the closest team to Area 51.

So it only makes sense that the Cardinals would pursue the rock band named for Dave Grohl’s interest in UFO’s.

21 Green Bay: White Zombie

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In this case, the Packers won the NFL title in 1965.

And White Zombie’s first big hit was Thunderkiss ’65.

Rob Zombie wears many hats as musician, director, etc... and it’s only a matter of time before he wears the hat of a "cheese head".

22 Philly: Radiohead

Recent home of the QB who was heavily involved in dog-fighting, and a WR who yelled racial slurs at a concert.

Something about Radiohead, and their song "Creep" just seemed to fit.

23 Kansas City: Korn

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Drafted in honor of the abundant Kansas corn fields

Andy Reid finally realizes his goof when he notices that the band is spelled with a "K", and not named for the abundant grain (seriously people, corn is not a veggie).

And ultimately Reid realizes his second goof when he remembers that Kansas City is not in Kansas.

24 Cincinnati: Guns ‘n Roses

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Pretty much an easy selection when they were still on the board.

Welcome to the Jungle, GnR.

25 St Diego: P.O.D.

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The San Diego natives P.O.D. sing about their native Southtown.

As a Christian band it makes sense they go to a city named after a saint.

26 Cleveland: Deep Purple

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Only in Cleveland can they set a river on fire.

With the Cuyahoga River burning in the background, it’s only appropriate that the Browns draft the band made famous for their hit "Smoke on the Water".

27 New Orleans: Pantera

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The Saints keep it close to home by drafting local boys Pantera.

It’s a pick that will help their defense unleash a ‘vulgar display of power’ on the opponents.

28 Carolina: Rush

Carolina’s offense is dedicated to one thing – rush

DeAngelo Williams, Jonathan Stewart, Cam Newton, Mike Tolbert

Rush’s insane drummer can keep a beat for the Panthers’ offense to keep rushing to

29 New England: Pearl Jam

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The Patriots coach likes to take on the NFL whether it be by his use of spygate, or dressing like a hobo for press conferences.

Pearl Jam famously took on Ticketmaster years ago, attempting a national tour without the use of the service-charging concert extortionists.

For their attempts to take on the system, they are a good match together.

30 St Francisco: Red Hot Chili Peppers

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San Fran’s most recognizable landmark - a big bridge

Chili Peppers’ first big hit - Under the Bridge

31 Denver: Van Halen

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Like the self-named Van Halen, the Broncos are only going to go as far as their elite star Peyton Manning takes them.

32 Seattle: Creedence Clearwater Revival

As the home of Starbucks, the gloomy, rainy Seattle bristles with coffee shops.

And what happens when one drinks coffee all day (other than bounce off the walls)?

They need a bathroom.

And fortunately for them the Seahawks just drafted the band who informs those coffee drinkers that "there’s a bathroom on the right".

*

55 Cincinnati: REM

A typical BPA pick for the Bengals.

Michael Stipe and crew were too high on the Bengals’ board to leave unpicked.

88 Cincinnati: Veruca Salt

With all the lawsuits that have begun to "Seether" up by former cheerleaders against NFL teams, the Bengals decided to grab a girl band, hoping it would be a solid PR move.

They didn’t go ‘all-in’ with a feminist riot-girl band like Sleater-Kinney, Bikini Kill, or L7, but went half way with a band fronted by a pair of females, but backed with males on drum & bass.

123 Cincinnati: Lenny Kravitz

What I really wanna know is... are you gonna go my way?

To a playoff victory, that is!

164 Cincinnati: Pendulum

Hailing from overseas, they will have a Margus Hunt type of learning curve.

But they have good upside as an electronic band who can rock hard as heard in their cover of "Master of Puppets"

199 Cincinnati: Project 86

No connection to the Bengals.

Just a personal favorite.

212 Cincinnati: Afghan Whigs

Local Cincinnati band who impressed the team at the open tryouts.

They beat out Bootsy Collins and Over the Rhine, who the Bengals hope to grab as UDFA’s.

239 Cincinnati: Apologetix

A selection that was made for the fans of the local Creation Museum.

Their rendition of the Monkeys Theme Song fits perfectly for the Creationist crowd.

252 Cincinnati: Aleixa

A now defunct Christian techno-pop-rock band from Virgina.

Nice upside for the Practice Squad if the band can be re-formed.

UDFA’s:

Over the Rhine (local)

Bootsy Collins (local)

DC Talk (one-hit Christian band signed for the Christian fans)

LeTigre (riot girl band for the girl/punk fans)

Zombies (60’s group for the older fans)

This is a FanPost and does not necessarily reflect the views of Cincy Jungle's writers or editors. It does reflect the views of this particular fan though, which is as important as the views of Cincy Jungle's writers or editors.

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