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Some Ramblings and Monday Night Drinking Game (from a Bengals fan)

By Josh Kirkendall

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Tonight's game.

I really would like to know: Does ESPN plan on spending a majority of their time discussing the mythical "character" issue? I ask, because if Mike Tirico does his typical ass-clownism play-by-play and arrogantly discusses the Bengals issues, well, then I remind all of you of this:

The first Tirico story involves him hitting on a woman and stalking her after a house party in fall 1992. The woman was a production assistant and "considered an up-and-coming talent," and Tirico went up to her at the party and said "you're the most beautiful woman in here." She walked away, but he kept following her around the party until she finally snapped, "Why don't you fuck off? Get away from me." As she and friends hopped in their car and pulled out of the party, Tirico stepped in front of the car and made the woman stop. "You're the most beautiful person I've ever seen and I think I'm in love with you," Tirico said. She tried to roll up her window and take off, but Tirico stuck his hand in and tried to wedge it between her thighs. She got away, and the next morning, when they saw each other in the ESPN parking lot, he walked up to her, and she expected him to apologize. Instead, he said, "all I did all day was think about you."

So when Tirico snickers in the booth and says, "I'm god and you're all little people", just snicker back, hit the mute button and listen to Jimmy Buffett -- unless you're at a bar, then it's Lynard Skynard... or Van Morrison.

Moving on.

I discuss five questions with Brad about tonight's game against the Colts.

My so-stupid-they're-pretty-obvious four keys to winning

  1. Score more than the other team
  2. Be accepting of a giving Colts rush defense. It's the holiday spirit, yo.
  3. Get Rob Morris a role on "Harley Davidson and the Marlboro Man Part 2"
  4. Drink Gatorade.(Chad Johnson, please read that again)

Monday Night's Drinking Program.

I know, you should NOT drink. That is, afterall, why the Bengals are such classless people that crumble up a piece of paper with the world "character" on it and eat that piece of paper like a Power Bar before practice. You wouldn't want to wake up one morning with your skin turning orange, after a night of binge drinking... would you? So that begins tonight's rules for the Monday Night drinking game. There's a few things you should observe (and if you're reasonable adult that understands the concept of responsibility and moderation, then this shouldn't be a problem). First, do this at home. You might need a bed with eight minutes left in the second quarter and some bars frown when you sleep on the floor or tables. Second, don't wear your favorite jersey (I'll leave that to your imagination). Third, call off tomorrow before you start drinking. You know you'll have to, so you might as well have all motor functions available during the call. OK, game on.

  1. Every time the announcers say the word "arrested", take a drink of your favorite adult beverage.
  2. Every time the announcers say "missed tackle" while the Colts are on defense, take a drink of your favorite adult beverage.
  3. All interceptions are worth two drinks and a call to a former girlfriend... except that one. You know what I mean. Think about it, if the Bengals throw a pick, you'll be drinking anyway. If the Colts throw a pick, you'll be too excited to realize you just had four. In a way, this was a given.

This is a section all to Joe Theismann I found from Paul Katcher.

1 - Utters the phrase "like a Bill Parcells."
1 - Mentions his own playing career
1 - Points out a flaw in a quarterback's mechanics, whether or not the replay backs it up
1 - Says "What impresses me most about..."
1 - Mentions Notre Dame in any capacity
1 - Says he talked to a player/coach earlier in the week
1 - Says "If I'm the [insert team here]..."
2 - Offers a team advice "if they wanna win this game," as if they're on the fence about whether or not they want to win
2 - Refers to his punting career (one punt for one yard in 1985)
2 - Predicts a penalty that goes the other way

If you have more, I'm open keyboard.

Finally.

I just want to remind everyone, no Bengals were in New York Saturday Night. And ESPN thinks we have character issues. Wrong sport, boys.

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