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Bengals Perry Talks Trash about Tressel. How to be a Bengals fan.

I had just finished a long round of my latest Xbox 360 game, Call of Duty 4. Then I sat back and enjoyed a few bites of a delicious chocolate cake with fudge topping when I thought, "I wonder what Chick Ludwig has to say." So I navigated the mouse, with cake nearby for quick satisfying bites of heaven, to the Dayton Daily News. A piece with Chris Perry. Huh. So naturally, I wanted to see what he had to say.

That no good, uncongenial, loft-rightous, overweening, supercilious, condescending, snob Michigan grad disrespects Tressel.

"Jim Tressel is great for Big Ten football. I like his sweater vest. All I want to know is when is the last time he talked to Maurice Clarett. Maurice Clarett kind of put 'em on the map, didn't he? I wonder: Does he still care about him or is he just writing him off? He had a great year (2002)! Nobody was really paying too much attention until he came around and did what he did, and they won. I just wonder. With all the trouble he's going through now, does the man that brought him to Ohio State still keep in contact with him? That's not a question for me to answer. That's a question you ought to ask him. I doubt he'll answer it. But as a coach, he's a great coach. He's beat us three years in a row. He's got to be a great coach.

Well, it's not like Clarett endeared himself to Tressel or the Ohio State.

Clarett says that while he was at Ohio State in 2002 and 2003 head coach Jim Tressel, as well as certain members of his staff and boosters, provided him with improper benefits. He says he covered up Tressel's improprieties during the NCAA investigation and afterward, Ohio State "blackballed'' him from the football program.

But hey, he's right. Tressel can find Clarett at the Toledo Correctional Institution.

My response to Perry.

Anyway, the important note... hey (snap, snap) down here... of Perry's Q and A is his ankle. "Coming along."

How to be a Bengals fan. This "How to" article -- obviously written because of the team's tremendous season that will be told like folklore to our children's grandchildren -- lists how to be a Bengals fan.

Step One: "Look for any positives no matter how big or small. Take solace in the fact that hey if the Bengals make four more plays your team might have won."

Step Two: "Study the draft very closely. Follow the college game, know whose coming out and who are the top players. This way in April you are prepared for the annual top 5 pick." [My note: Top ten, maybe. I don't see a top-five]

Step Three: "Become a lawyer. It seems like these days the Bengals could use a lot of legal advice."

Step Four: "Always remember the two Super Bowls, because when you look North what do you see? Cleveland and Detroit and neither have been to be a Super Bowl. So your football life isn't nearly as bad as theirs."

Not bad, but I have a few.

Step Five: "Grow thick skin to enjoy the company of those modest Steeler fans."
Step Six: "Get yourself a Jay Schroeder jersey to really promote that you've been a solider for all those years."
Step Seven: "Going to Beerfest? Take a shot for each yard returned on each Bengals turnover. You won't wake up until Wednesday. But you'll finally beat Baron Wolfgang von Wolfhausen."
Step Eight: "Get yourself a Corey Dillon then use Masking tape to cross out Dillon's name and form a '32' using straight lines."
Step Nine: "Have silver bullet ready when Mike Brown shows his face and suddenly 94% of all Bengals fans turn into werewolves and you need to defend against a really drunk werewolf that thinks you're a hot chick." [My note: I don't know what the hell I'm talking about]