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Let the Dead Cat Bounce Begin!

Way, way back in the day, I was a big fan of DC's Superboy and The Legion of Super Heroes. Now, the Legion had heroes ranging from super-cool to uber-lame. On the latter end of the scale, there was Bouncing Boy, who had the power to inflate like a ball and bounce.

Well, get ready to make like Bouncing Boy (or Girl, as the case may be) Bengals fans, because we've hit that part of season when it's time for the Dead Cat Bounce. The playoffs are all but a mathematical impossibility, which means a second-half surge is nearly a certainty. Run the table? Child, please. Chad Ochocinco will take a vow of silence and enter a monastery first. But 4-4 over the final eight and a front-office verdict that we're only "one or two players away?"

Yeah, you can just feel it coming, can't you? Just like that vaguely spacey feeling and scratchy throat the day before the flu seriously kicks your a**.

Well, I'm here tonight to counsel you not to despair when a 6-10 team brings back Marvin Lewis, Bob Bratkowski and 85. It just saves us time, because if history is any guide, it won't matter in the end.

Who would replace Lewis? I can't tell you the name of that person, but I can tell you who he'll be. He'll be yet another underpaid, hamstrung head coach with precisely as much power and control as The Family deigns to dribble into his cup on any given day.

The new offensive coordinator? Again, I can't tell you his name, but he'll be some guy with big offensive (and passing) scoring cred. They always are. And both that guy and/or a new head coach would almost certainly want "their" guy under center. Will that be A) a veteran whose job it will be to hand the ball off 40 times a game, or B) that first-round draft pick with a Cannon For An Arm?

Yeah, you know which way they'll jump. Same way they always jump.

As for Chad, he's just a symptom. Carl Pickens, Darnay Scott, 85, T.J. Houshmandzadeh, Chris deep into the next draft does it take for The Redeemer to strike again?

So let's cheer our Bengals! The DCB starts this week in Indianapolis! With a win there and the Buffalo Bills up next, two in a row isn't out of the question. And oh, the hope it will spring! Don't be fooled (like me). Bengals take four of the final eight. It'll be 6-10 and we'll do it again.