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When All Else Fails: Use Chicken Wings

When you think Super Bowl, what comes to mind? Commercials. True. Tasty beverages. Agreed. A pregame show that started last week. Boy, ain't that the truth. Twins. Not necessarily available to everyone, but alright! Oh, and I think through the corporate battlefield of product placement and sponsorships, there might be a football game.

And of course, there's food. Lots of food. Most of it being the archenemy of good health and Richard Simmons. You have the common foods. Chips and dip being at most Super Bowl parties. Finger foods are there; some wrapped in a weird cheese or cold meat, but we usually leave those parties before the game. It's like the Force, you know. Something is off and you just have to leave. Several years ago I started dating this woman and she wanted to go to one of her friend's Super Bowl party. Fine, I said. How bad could it be? There were actually serving Hor D'oeuvres. Who serves Hor D'oeuvres at a Super Bowl party? I woke up a week later with no memory of who I was. At first, people called me David Webb. I finally learned my identity a month later when a homeless man needed someone to play against in Madden '08. I'm a stronger man for it.

You could, however, counter the effects of poorly placed finger foods with no business being in the presence of men, many of us who personify the model of being The Most Interesting Man, drinking Mexican sounding beer and smoking cigars.

Make Chicken Wings. That's it? You're not going to say, let the Intersect take over and roundhouse kick the Hor D'oeuvres? If you could actually manage that, then that would be really cool. But not everyone has the brain chemistry and most of us have to resort to more reasonable solutions against the Dark One.

Everyone has their methods and their favorites. You can make Chicken Wings spicy or sweet. Crunchy or soft. Boneless or, well, boned (high-five if you giggled). My favorite is boneless, taking a chicken breast, slicing it into the size of your typical chicken wing. After saturating the precooked chicken wing in garlic and seasoned salt, I fry the wings until they're nice and crunchy. Then, after heating the BBQ sauce that was mixed with half-a-jar of honey for 15 minutes, I take the sauce and use all of it on the wings (if it doesn't look like soup by now, then add more... a lot more), throwing it in the oven for 10 additional radiating minutes. Keep them heated in an aluminum tub until presenting yourself with grace to those that have never heard of chicken wings before.

And now you can chomp into your chicken wings with the smile of a champion, because you just saved your own soul, while preventing another innocent victim to experience what I experienced.