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Loco-News: Luck Declares ZZ Top and Gandalf as Role-Models

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Yes, Andrew Luck realizes that he has a small bear attached to his chin. And no, he’s not planning on shaving it off.

In fact, the Colts’ star quarterback has surprisingly revealed that he firmly believes the enormous clump of facial hair plays a key role in his success, something he’s come to realize in 2014.

"You know, it’s kind of a theory I’ve tested this year. I had trimmed my beard a few days before the season started and we lost our first two games of the year," Luck said. "Ever since then, we’ve gone 10-3, and I haven’t looked back. The women in my life are understandably a bit over the caveman look, but they don’t fully realize the impact that my facial hair has."

When asked to elaborate on the impact, Luck pointed to his time spent on the sidelines. "When I’m sitting on the bench talking to my linemen, we have this tradition. Before we go out onto the field, each of the guys gives a good luck tug on the chin fur. I even find myself silently stroking it when I’m analyzing plays in the film room. And you know, as quarterback, I have to be the alpha male on the team. The lion with the biggest mane is who I strive to be."

And he clearly means that literally.

Coach Pagano met reporters after the win over the Broncos and stated that he believes the increased volume of facial hair has "really helped Luck develop as a player."

T.Y. Hilton told reporters, "I really believe that if [Luck] works hard enough at it, he can be the next elite quarterback of the NFL. And I’d be lying if I said I didn't think his facial hair played a big role in that."

Reporters turned back to Luck to close out the post-game conference, asking his expectations for the rest of the postseason as well as for the following year as the team hopes to build a top AFC reputation.

"Well, I think the goal is the Super Bowl, that’s obvious. I mean if you do that math, we’re like 93.7% of the way there. Something like that anyways. And for next year, our reputation is linked to mine – I understand that. The success and blame often falls on the quarterback. But I do believe that we’ll be able to contend for the Super Bowl every year for quite a while. And by this time, next year, if I stay steadfast in my efforts, I figure my entire face should be covered with hair. Once that happens, there’s no telling what I can accomplish with this team."

If the man is already as good as he is, a fully bear-faced Andrew Luck can only be the stuff of legend, both on the field and in the "not to do" section of salon magazines.

Does he think that Patriots have a shot at stopping their Super Bowl run? At this question, Luck just smiled.

"Not by the hair of my chinny-chin-chin."

*Disclaimer: the statements reported in this article are created purely for the humor of our audience, and do not in any way reflect the spoken words or thoughts of professional athletes, coaches, or media.