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Dear Russell Wilson, I hate you

I'm not making any of this up. This guy is just the worst.

Such a punchable face.
Such a punchable face.
Joe Nicholson-USA TODAY Sports

*Disclaimer: This post, while reflective of one writer, does not reflect the opinions of all Cincy Jungle staff. It's not to be taken too seriously, we're having some fun here.

The Seattle Seahawks have a team full of interesting personalities. Richard Sherman and Michael Bennett have a lot to say, and occasionally they voice some legitimately well thought out opinions. There are people that like and dislike both of them. They have genuine personalities. On the other side of the ball, Marshawn Lynch is an enigma. He doesn't want to talk to the group of people who want nothing more than for him to talk, which is just funny as hell. All he wants to do is truck fools to the moon. I respect that.

But this isn't about any of those guys. Before I get into this, just know that I would typically use a bevy of curse words in what I'm about to say. But we are semi-family friendly here at Cincy Jungle, and I like it here so I'm not going to drop F-bombs like World War III. I'm still going to curse a little bit, I can't help it.

This is about Russell Wilson, the most pompous, fakest asshat in the NFL today. That's saying something when he shares the league with J.J. Watt, a human Gatorade commercial who stays at a "minimalistic cabin" in the offseason, according to the Houston Chronicle. However, it appears that J.J.'s definition of minimalistic and mine are two very different things because this is that cabin:

J.J.'s cabin

Ugh... this dude. I'm getting off track, though.

What I'm saying is Russell Wilson is worse than this guy. There are many reasons why. You can check out his Twitter account if you want. It's like an automated Bible verse dispenser with advertisements sprinkled in, devoid of any genuineness or personality.

I know what you're probably thinking right now...

"Alex, he just seems like a nice guy."

NO HE'S NOT. He is a blank slate, an unused USB drive with which brands can align themselves. We get it man, you're not having sex with anyone. That doesn't make you awesome. That makes you the same as every single dude in America; congratulations.

It is hard to parse out who Russell Wilson really is. Between his lifeless social media platforms, there isn't much information to be had. Thankfully, there is his profile by Rolling Stone, and man is it a doozy. Let's start with this gem.

Wilson is wearing a T-shirt and shorts with a Gatorade towel draped from his waist when he grabs a cup of purple liquid and downs it in a single gulp. He locks me in his gaze and smiles.

"Isn't Gatorade the best? Just the best."

Did I mention that Gatorade is one of the event's sponsors? The thing is, Russell Wilson really, really believes Gatorade is tasty. He believes in things with a zealot's certainty — God, corporations, his talent, Michael Jackson's "Man in the Mirror," etc. The interception he threw a yard short of his second Super Bowl championship? Before he got to the sideline, God told him that it was part of His plan. The public announcement that he was practicing abstinence with slinky pop singer Ciara? Russell Wilson was put here to guide her to a better place.

"Isn't Gatorade just the best?" C'mon! Who gets that excited about Gatorade? Chill out man, it's not that serious. Orange is my favorite flavor though, and it's JUST THE BEST when I'm hung over the next morning and need some hydration.

Later in the profile, we come to a point where his idol, Derek Jeter (shocking, I know), is unable to have breakfast with him one morning. I'm not sure why two robots need to meet in one place when they can probably talk over Wi-Fi or something, but I digress. Since he was unable to have breakfast that morning, he instead met with his motivation coach. His motivation coach. Motivation coach. Motivation. Coach. This occasion isn't to motivate him about football or life or anything important though.

Wilson is hosting the Nickelodeon Kids' Choice Sports awards, and he spends the morning working with his motivation coach, Trevor Moawad. This is Wilson's first hosting assignment; he wants to get it just right. "We were just going through lines, and Russell was talking about nonverbal, para-verbal, extra-verbal and voice tone," says Moawad.

Now that Russ is all motivated to not screw up the Nickelodeon Awards, he finally brings up one of my favorite things. He is an investor in Reliant Recovery Water. This is water with electrolytes and something called "nanobubbles." With a little research, it appears that nanobubbles are exactly what you think, really small bubbles. Bubbles with nothing inside of them. Russell Wilson is selling bubble water.

Reliant Recovery Water, a $3-per-bottle concoction with nanobubbles and electrolytes that purportedly helps people recover quickly from workouts and, according to Wilson, injury. He mentions a teammate whose knee healed miraculously, and then he shares his own testimonial.

"I banged my head during the Packers game in the playoffs, and the next day I was fine," says Wilson. "It was the water."

No, you did not, man. You did not just say your stupid ass water healed your boy's knee and healed your concussion. Did you say that?

Yes, he said that. One of two things is happening here. Either Russ knows he's lying or he is too stupid to know any better/use Google. There are millions of people who look up to this guy, and a lot of them are probably young and/or stupid enough to believe that this water will heal concussions! I really hope he is just too stupid because that would be funnier to me, but I'm sure he knows better and he's okay with it so he can line his pockets. Don't get me wrong, I'm totally fine with someone making as much money as possible. I'd vouch for Brett Favre's ridiculous copper knee braces if I got paid. But don't do that while simultaneously telling the world how holy and honorable you are if you wait until you marry your girlfriend to have sex.

He also tried to clarify that quote later. He didn't do a very good job.

"I didn't have a head injury, but what I was trying to say is I think it helped prevent it," he said. "I think your brain consists of like 75, 80 percent water, so I think that just being hydrated, drinking the recovery water really does help."

You know how I usually translate Marvin Lewis? Let me translate Russ here: "My brain is mostly water, so if I drink Nanobubbles™, I am immune to concussions. I have little to no understanding of science. Buy my water!"

But hey, maybe Malcolm Butler had a Nanobubble IV on the sidelines in the Super Bowl. That would make just as much sense as the bullshit flying out of Russell Wilson's mouth.

Then we have this next excerpt where we are back to the Nickelodeon Awards show.

A TV blares Scarface, inexplicably one of Wilson's favorites — "The acting is phenomenal" — while an iPod shouts gospel music, Wilson's pregame sound of choice. Someone yells, "Twelve minutes!" but Wilson remains unruffled for the live broadcast. He insists that his hairstylist bring his kids backstage for a picture and then gathers everyone by the toilets for a prayer circle. They grasp hands.

So... are they praying when Tony Montana goes nose deep into a mountain of Columbia's finest or when he kills his sister? This is such a weird situation. Just picture it and try not to laugh. It's so ridiculous I can't even conceive such a thing happening. I'm going to turn Scarface on when my girlfriend's family is praying at Thanksgiving this year. I'll report back what happens.

In this desert of despair that is the profile of Russell Wilson, there is an oasis. Beast Mode is here!

On the Seahawks, the only star who shines as brightly as Wilson is Lynch, a dreadlocked running back who refuses to talk with the media. (At the Kids' Choice Sports awards, I introduced myself to Lynch, who had appeared in a skit, and he smiled and said, "OK!" Then he walked away.)

Haha, thank you, Marshawn. Keep doing you.

And why is it that Russ blames God every time he screws up?

Four interceptions in the NFC Championship? Thanks, God!

"That’s God setting it up, to make it so dramatic, so rewarding, so special," he said, alone for a moment in the locker room before heading out for the night. "I’ve been through a lot in life, and had some ups and downs. It’s what’s led me to this day."

Interception to lose the Super Bowl? Thanks again God, you're the coolest!

"The play happens, and they pick the ball off. And I take three steps," Wilson told pastor Miles McPherson and a large crowd Sunday. "And on the third step God says to me, ‘I’m using you. … I want to see how you respond. But most importantly, I want them to see how you respond."

If you've made it this far and you actually do like Russell Wilson, that's okay. Everyone is entitled to their opinion, even if it's wrong. I don't know about you guys, but I want to see how Russell responds after being sacked about 38 times this week.