Merry Christmas to all our Cincy Jungle readers who celebrate.
One tradition that many celebrate during the holiday season is the giving of gifts. Many people make a Christmas list of particular items they’re hoping to receive on Christmas day. In the spirit of giving, we look at the Bengals’ players, team, and fans to see what Bengals-themed gifts may be appropriate for each of them.
For Andy Dalton:
A center, a right tackle, and whatever else it takes to keep him upright when attempting a pass.
For Jeremy Hill:
A selfie stick - so he can record himself when he performs his pre-planned touchdown dances.
For Tyler Eifert:
A statue of St Stanislaus Kostka. After playing in only 37 of 64 possible career games, Eifert could probably benefit from a devotion to the patron saint of broken bones and injuries.
For Russell Bodine:
A bench. Something to be used often on Sunday mornings during Bengals’ games.
For Vontaze Burfict:
HeadOn. Suspensions and concussions have kept him out of quite a few games over the last three seasons. Maybe he will get a gift (cough, money) to help out with all the suspensions and fines on his birthday, but for Christmas we look forward to remedying those concussions.
For P.J. Dawson:
One of those “Hello My Name Is” stickers. Now that he is finally on the active roster, perhaps he can help remind some people of who he is.
For Karlos Dansby:
A lucky rabbit’s foot. Horseshoe, or four leaf clover. Dansby needs some better luck in picking a team via free agency who can make the postseason. Dansby is now on his fourth team since 2009, and still looking for a single playoff appearance in that span.
For Margus Hunt and Domata Peko:
A grocery bag. The season is almost over, and so too are their Bengals’ careers, most likely. This gift would give each of them the one thing they have been lacking this season - a sack.
For Cedric Peerman:
A copy of the book Carrie, by Stephen King. Unfortunately for Peerman, it seems like it will be the only way he can have anything close to a carry this season. Giovani Bernard’s trip to Injured Reserve got him on the roster, but not even Jeremy Hill’s frequent in-game injuries have helped Peerman to see playing time on offense.
For the Bengals defense:
Some stickum. Seriously, there are only so many dropped interceptions a team can have before something must be done. At the very least, make the defensive players eat some sticky buns before the game, and don’t let them wash their hands afterwards.
For the Special Teams unit:
A kicker who can, you know, actually make kicks. This gift may have actually come a week early in the form of Randy Bullock, but only time will tell.
For cord-cutting fans:
Over-the-air, network options for games which are played exclusively on the NFL Network (NFLN) or on the other four-letter network, ESPN. The NFL is a profit-driven business and not a charity, so we will likely need all the magic from a flying reindeer’s butt to pull this one off.
For the fans in Hamilton County:
A better stadium deal which isn’t a total rip-off of the taxpayers. This gift is likely dependent on whether Mike Brown wakes up on Christmas morning saying “Bah Humbug” or “God Bless You All”.
What do you think? Do these gifts seem appropriate? Are there any additional gifts that we should add to our Bengals’ Christmas list?