April Fools: How will the Bengals fool us this April?

In this life there are many thing that we may never know. For example, we may never know why the Nazca lines were made, and we may never know if angels can fly because they take themselves lightly, and we may never learn why Marvin Lewis’ employment is not tied to performance. Another thing we may never know is the origin of April Fools’ Day. But even if we don’t know the origin of April Fools’ Day, we know how to “celebrate” it.

April Fools’ Day is a day when practical jokes are played. And sometimes when something happens that we don’t like, we may wish that it wasn’t reality, but merely an April Fools’ joke. So in an effort to celebrate April Fools’ Day with a Cincinnati Bengals’ twist, we present you with several headlines that are so horrible that if fans were to see them appear on Cincy Jungle in April, they would hope that these headlines were April Fools’ jokes.

Which headline, if you were to read it, would make so distraught about the Bengals’ organization that you would hope the headline is an April Fools’ joke? Here are the contenders, and why you might hope they were only a joke, and not real headlines.

Marvin Lewis receives another contract extension from Mike Brown.

According to Marvin Lewis, the Bengals aren’t rebuilding. As such, the team seems poised to stay the course yet again, and keep with the status quo as far as players and coaches. Despite an 0-7 postseason record, a fear of using rookies and struggles with pretty much everything that a coach does during a game such as clock management, challenge flags, and the mythical in-game adjustments that he doesn’t believe in, Lewis could be receiving yet another extension from the Bengals. This would irk more than a few fans who want his employment to be at least somewhat based on how he manages the team.

Bengals draft Joe Mixon in the second round (or earlier)

Many NFL fans who follow the draft prospects consider Mixon to be the clear choice as the top running back talent in the NFL draft. But some people also view him as troubled and not worthy of a second chance, thanks to a violent punch he dealt to a female student at Oklahoma University when he was a freshman, several years ago. The act got him suspended from the Sooners’ football team for one year, and some Bengals fans want nothing to do with Mixon in Cincinnati.

Bengals announce they will not cut Adam Jones

The Bengals front office has oddly come out in support of Adam Jones, despite his track record of off-field incidents. His most recent problems stem from a January arrest in Cincinnati when a drunken Jones was charged with misdemeanors for assault, disorderly conduct and obstructing official business. A felony harassment later added, but eventually dropped. Some fans have become fed up with the aging cornerback’s inability to stay on the “straight and narrow” and want him finally released from the team.

In actuality, after Lewis and Browns’ comments this week, this headline is likely true and not an April Fools’ joke at all.

Bengals don’t trade AJ McCarron, despite offers

Andy Dalton is the entrenched starter in Cincinnati. AJ McCarron is the clear backup, and barring an injury to Dalton (or in garbage time), will likely never take another meaningful snap in a Bengals’ uniform. McCarron’s rookie contract is nearing completion, and with the desperation that teams have for a starting quarterback, the Bengals have little chance of re-signing him after his rookie contract expires, since the team is very unlikely to pay him starter money to be a backup. If they lose McCarron, they would likely get a mid-round compensatory pick, and the team’s track record with making comp picks is anything but exceptional. If a team were to offer the Bengals a solid package in exchange for McCarron, it would seem somewhat foolish to pass on that knowing the compensation that would come down the road.

Bengals sign Colin Kaepernick

Almost a Bengals’ quarterback in the 2011 NFL Draft, Kaepernick has quickly declined from a Super Bowl quarterback, to a lightning rod of division among NFL fans. His infamous decision to sit/kneel during the National Anthem of the U.S.A. has rubbed many fans the wrong way. Even if one supports his decision to reject the song and the country it reflects, he brings a slew of unwanted distractions to whoever signs him.

You can listen to our Orange & Black Insider segment on April Fools’ Day here. Which of these potential headlines would upset you the most?