FanPost

Urgent Telegram to St. Moritz


(Tick) Dear Bengals brain trust (tick tick return)

(Tick tick) Sorry to interrupt your holiday in St. Moritz (return)

(Tick tick tick) I'm sure you'd rather be roasting marshmallows at the ski lodge than attending to football business at this time of year, but there is an urgent matter that requires your attention: (return)

As you may or may not be aware, the Patriots just released Josh Gordon, who is now subject to waivers, and you have until 4 pm this afternoon to put in a claim.

I urge you to take action on this instead of following the customary front office practice (sitting on your hands) for the following reasons:

Reasons to claim Gordon (in a language you can easily understand):

1. You get a comp pick! Yes, that's right, pay Gordon just a tad over the vet minimum and you get another priceless comp pick in 2021. With Ross constantly banged up and suffering from the dropsies, you can line up Gordon opposite A.J. Green and feature him in your offense. And if he looks really good, that comp pick could become as high as a third rounder!

2. You get a year to evaluate Gordon at a ridiculously low price. If you like what he adds to the team, you have the inside track to resign him. You've said that you're not in the business of making other teams better. Well, this is a chance to make your own team better. Ross has not showed that he has the hands or the ability to stay healthy to serve as a reliable WR2.

3. Good PR for the front office. That's right, this is the rare case where signing a player with off-field issues can actually create some positive press. Perhaps they haven't covered it in the St. Moritz Allgemeiner Zeitung, but you're being castigated in the media now for your refusal to make any moves before the trade deadline to rebuild this sorry franchise.

Risks to claiming Gordon:

1. If Gordon balls out, you'll probably lowball him and refuse to pay what the market bears to resign him.

Response: I'm sure if Gordon plays really well, any contract he would command would be too rich for your blood, but luckily you don't need to resign him to make this move pay off. Just take the precious comp pick and run like you normally do. If nothing else, it gives you an option. If after turning down the chance to get a late first-round pick for Green, you fail to get him to agree to your usual lowball offer and he walks, you can still sign Gordon to a cheaper, incentive-laden contract. ;)

2. Gordon's unhappy playing for a woeful team with dim prospects for the future and his attitude spoils the reputed "positive culture" in the locker room.

Response: While the risk of this can't be discounted, who cares about culture when a team is 0-8, has flatlined on the ECG, fields a roster of oft-injured aging stars, is years away from competitiveness, and has a bumbling front office that won't do what's necessary to start the rebuilding process? Really, what's the worst thing that can happen? If Gordon is an unhappy camper and barks about it to the media, you either bench him or release him and the whole experiment costs less than your vacation in St. Moritz.

2. Gordon mail orders some wacky weed and the league suspends him indefinitely.

Response: Again, this is a risk that can't be discounted and there is a precedent for this in the past history of this much-maligned franchise, but what are two black eyes when you already sport one? You're already getting roasted by the media for the incompetence you displayed in not trading aging stars for draft capital that could have helped to rebuild the franchise. Yes, it would allow the media to beat one of their favorite dead horses again: how the Bengals are a team of "thugs" and Mike Brown the Redeemer is the patron saint of second chances. But once you've hit rock bottom, how much farther can you fall? The worst possible outcome is failure and that's an outcome that you have a long history of dealing with.

Reasons to claim Gordon (in a language the rest of the 31 teams in the league understand):

1. With only $1.072 million due on his current contract, this is a low-risk move that could pay big dividends if Gordon returns to anything close to his 2013 form.

2. The team has the rest of the year to evaluate Gordon and an inside track to negotiate a new contract with him while the off-field history ensures that the contract can be incentive-laden with little risk to the franchise should Gordon again run afoul of the league's substance abuse policy.

Risks to claiming Gordon:

1. The other 31 franchises are surely asking themselves why a successful team like the Patriots have cut him, considering how thin New England is at WR and how it lacks receiving threats sans Gronkowski. Franchises that employ a bonafide scouting department (not just family members and country club cronies moonlighting as part-time "consultants") will review the film and decide whether the move was due to performance or other reasons (attitude, substance abuse, etc.)

Of course, this is probably all in vain as, knowing the Bengals, I could see the following transpire:

Telegram from Mike: (Tick tick) Katie and Troy, here's another team's leftover, what do you think? He'll cost pennies on the dollar and I think we can reform him. Should we bother to put in a claim? (return)

Katie to Troy (popping open a vintage bottle of Chateau Lafite Rothschild while warming their feet in front of the fireplace at the St. Moritz ski lodge): "Troy, it's a telegram from daddy about some waiver claim thingee. What should we do? I told him not to bother us with football stuff until we return but you know with his Alzheimer's, he forgets things easily."

Troy: "Don't worry about it poopsie. We can always file the paperwork tomorrow."

Katie: "I'll just tell him to go ahead if it makes him happy. It won't affect my trust fund and this Gordon guy's only getting like vet minimum so why not let daddy try to reform him. You know how he can't resist a bargain." (seals the envelope and puts a stamp on it, hands it to the front desk clerk).

This is a FanPost and does not necessarily reflect the views of Cincy Jungle's writers or editors. It does reflect the views of this particular fan, which is as important as the views of Cincy Jungle's writers or editors.