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Ohioan petitions Bengals/Browns fandom as reason for medical marijuana access

Not all heroes wear capes; some just want to take the edge off after losing to the Steelers two times a year.

Jacksonville Jaguars v Cincinnati Bengals Photo by Bryan Woolston/Getty Images

Always shoot your shot. Always. Even if that shot is as ludicrous as this one.

A paragon, champion, exemplar—all would apply—has petitioned the State Medical Board of Ohio to make being a fan of the Cincinnati Bengals or the Cleveland Browns a qualifying condition to apply for medical marijuana usage.

I’d tell some of you to listen to reason before you unknowingly tell on yourself, but I know better. The state of Ohio has failed to recognize blind loyalty to bad football as the illness it so clearly is. You know what state reached this simple conclusion?

That state up north.

A regular Michigan football fan sits on his couch. It’s 11:55 in the morning and Michigan is about to lose to Ohio State by four touchdowns. He knows this, which is why he’s already bet on the -9.5 Ohio State spread since it’s legal to gamble in Michigan. As the last shot of angry Jim Harbaugh leaves the screen, he’s already got his stuff rolled. He’s fine. Everything’s fine.

21 hours later, he trades his dark blue and maize jersey for a Honolulu blue and silver one. He knows Aaron Rodgers and the Green Bay Packers are going to break his heart at the last minute, but he wastes an additional three hours anyways. After watching Rodgers’ latest Hail Mary that doubles as another machete to his heart, his anguish turns into gleeful hunger. Bacon Cheeseburger Hamburger Helper is soon being poured into a pan on the stove.

No sane person would subject themselves to this weekly torture without a proper counter to the self-induced stress. Why should the state most Ohio residents can’t stomach to say be any different than Ohio, or dare I say, better than Ohio?

Watching sorry professional football is the bond these two states share, but with Ohio, you at least have a choice between two factories of sadness and frustration.

This wouldn’t erase the pain, but it would suppress it. Because if I emotionally invested three hours of my stupid life into watching Lamar Jackson run for 200 yards and break seven of Nick Vigil’s tackles, I’ve a right to a calm release to that self-induced stress. This is the America we deserve.